Just for a Day

Now you've lied.
All you need is to confess.
I lost my faith, 
I lost you.

You ask me why, 
I answered you because; 
till the sorrow is restless, 
and the sweet is tasteless.

You know me hundreds, 
before I know you half.
I bleed somewhere out here, 
and you laugh somewhere out there.

I need your presence; 
When time is dying me.
I need your hands, 
When world is breaking me.

I should have known, 
I am not what you need.
I am not belong to you.
I am not your best.

So pull it out from me, 
all memories we never built.
Take it away from me, 
all love you never shed.

I know distance matters, 
I know I will shatter, 
Our friendship never hatches
Though you may be able to catch it.

Hold my name into your mind; 
just for a day.
Hold my voice into your core; 
just for a day.
Hold my love into your heart; 
just for a second.

That's all I need at the end. 

(June 2008)

Into the Wild

Long for the ride of a passion,  Out of home, for an obsession,  Face the rivers, scars the hills,  Always memorize desire can kill. Losing the calm of the life,  Drowning keeps me back alive,  All unfulfilled calls I need to drive,  All I need is to survive. Into the wild,  I recall my heart,  I know what makes it mild,  And I know it’s the hardest part. I greet the full sunrise,  He makes it all wise. It’s been a traveler’s fate,  I am no late and need not to wait. A lot I have to gamble, it seems,  To gain my undiscovered dreams,  I lay the rest of my soul,  Walking from South to North Pole. Yet I’m fooled,  Here, the dreamer, I lie,  I failed and then I die,  All aged memoirs are dragged. I’m eaten piece by piece,  Until I’m not able to sense a kiss,  I know I’m going to miss,  My vow to step on the Alaska freeze. Into the wild I dedicated my life.  (June 10th, 2008)

Crying Still

Here I'm all alone,

Nothing but the hum of the rain.

Still my memoir has not gone,

All about the unbearing pain.

I sense it within my bone,

All I have gained.

And the rain is crying still,

Looking at me,

A man with a beer to kill.

(Feb 1st, 2009)

One a True

and she takes the deepest bow,

in front of the rainbow.

sticking her life in a jigsaw,

and her love spreads life fairytale's gown.

and invisible white wings she holds,

joyfulness she's happy to fold.

carrying her life in a guitar,

she shines as a night star.

blessing flows from her lips,

love and faith are left to her to keep.

a smile carves the ocean blue,

she is a girl, one a true.

(2008)

Malaikat di Bulan Juli

Sore bertiup di bulan juli,

Tapak malaikatku menepi.

Sinarnya memancarkan sendiri,

Senyum untukku dari lubuk hati. 

Hadirnya terbayang di gemuruh gelegak air,

Terserat di remukan puing tanah,

Terhembus di kabut selimut udara,

Dan terukir kuat di lembar sanubari hati.

Detaknya menjadi detakku,

Ttawanya menjadi tawaku.

Kaukah malaikat dalam sahabat sejati?

Yang membunuh kesepianku hingga mati?

Tiba malaikatku menangiskan kasih dan salam,

Lalu matanya terpejam dalam.

Terang cahayanya terbenam kelam,

Menyatu dengan semesta pagi dan malam.

Patutkah kumurkakan diri,

Dalam tangis yang terperi?

Karena merindukan warna auramu ,

Setelah maut menggegas dari tepi matamu?

Kini hanya tersisa bagiku kenangan,

Dan sepotong batu pualam murahan,

Terbaringnya ragamu dalam lahan,

Membuaiku ke pedihnya angan angan.

Kujajaki deru tangis ini perlahan,

Membiarkan sakit sepi tertahan,

Ternganga luka jiwa yang tersisih,

Ditinggal sahabat dan malaikat terkasih.

Di  langit malaikatku tersenyum sunyi,

Diiringi nyanyian dunia tiada henti

Sore bertiup di bulan juli

Jejak kedatangan malaikatku terus terpatri.

(Oct 20th, 2008)

Thou Art Love Letter

Thou wave and the pasture painted green,

Thou speak and fairness ready to win.

Thou finger and flowers stand to bloom,

Thou sob and seas blaze in gloom.

Thou smile and children shine in bright,

Thou love and keep us in sight.

Ahead me the sky darken, 

Oh, Thou, why the times fasten?

The roses and daisies sharpen,

Heart of hope I let them beaten.

Walking on an ice to crack,

Tears and fright I bear on my back.

Thou know how I raise in fake,

I gain an end one day I’m not awake.

The downpour dissolves my frights,

the sunshine bring back the rights.

Your sovereign is my love letter,

Tell me, how could I’m alone in the battle?

Thou build the absurdity to real,

Thou exhale and the searing chill.

Thou keep my soul upon the hill, 

Thou grant my triumph to stand still.

Thou put my moaning in flame,

Thou Almighty, I have nothing to shame.

Thou I know, Your art eternally cherish, 

And Your affection never end to flourish.

(October 24th, 2008)

The Day

Moments collapsed behind me,

All had gone, all had faded.

I was once as frail as weed,

Today I am permanent as a tree.

I tracked down my remembrance,

When I did not know a thing.

And you revealed me every one thing,

Until I learn it as my life fragrance.

Keep a memory of me my teacher,

You are my truly dearest friend.

Excuse me for my mistakes,

Forgive me for heart that breaks.

You are the role model of mine,

I believe you as you to me.

I am not able to run it into lines,

That you are someone to me.

Here I found my desires,

After times of our years.

Here the day we will be apart,

But to you I leave my heart.

There might be hundreds like me,

And perhaps I am the worst one.

There might be hundreds like you,

And firmly you are my best one.

Today I step ahead,

With pride and knowledge led,

Now I’ve had everything you had.

Though I’ve done nothing to you yet,

I always thanked upon Him that we met.

If one day I become someone,

It is because of you for ever being one.

(December 20th, 2008)

Air Mata Hujan

Kulepaskan setitik tinta hitam,

Di atas putihnya kertas suci.

Menorehkan kelam,

Yang menyayat kalbu insan.

Kusaksikan air mata langit,

Tercurah bagi relung hati ini.

Hujan...

Menderulah, aku bersamamu.

Teriakanku ditelannya,

Air mataku dihapuskannya.

Dingin.

Ragaku tak kuasa,

Menghadapi air mata langit.

Hujan,

Usahlah menegak tangismu,

Untuk manusia macam aku.

Rintikkan saja kasihmu untukku.

Kesendirian ini;

Memang tak terpungkiri,

Bagi jiwa berduri sepertiku.

Dengarkan aku hujan...

Temani aku sebentar lagi,

Dan jadikan aku air mata langitmu.

(2008)

The Everlasting

I wonder how high the sky will be,

How blue the ocean is truly be,

How green the pasture should always be.

Starting a relationship,

I never learn how sudden it always is.

The world beneath friendship,

I could never be able to discover.

Holding hands,

I never suppose it is that warm.

We are the blue and the green,

You are a simple bow which grows me better. 

My dear,

You’re as beautiful as a song.

Slight melodies that you carry out,

Bless every soul you could reach into.

My dear,

You’re as bright as the sun.

Spreading hope as a candle in the dark...

Wondering if you are my angel,

That came behind the rainbow…

Now I know how sky could be that high,

That is as high as our wish will flourish.

Now I understand how sea could be so endless,

That is as deep as we would get to each other.

Now I realize how friend could be so wonderful,

That, will be just you.

Until the day the green of the pasture fades,

And the blue of the ocean melts,

That’s when we’ll end together…

And only the rainbow after the rain will stay everlasting.

(Feb 4th, 2008)

Angan yang Hina

Kulihat disana seorang pasukan,

Dengan senjata di pundaknya,

Dan mata garang yang siap membidik.

Kaukah kakakku,

Yang pergi dan tak pernah kembali,

Yang tidak meninggalkanku,

Sepotong kecil kenangan terakhir?

Inikah yang kau pilih?

Senapan dan peluru,

Darah dan lumpur,

Hidup dan mati?

Inikah dambaanmu,

Erangan kesakitan musuhmu,

Dan pintaan memelas agar ia tak mati?

Jangan kau belalakkan matamu kakak,

Karena melihat aku disini,

Yang sedang mencoba mengerti,

Mimpimu yang menyedihkan.

Lupakah kau,

Aku yang telah menjadi debu,

Pula berakhir di tanah hina ini?

Mimpimu membunuh engkau,

Anganmu membutakan engkau.

Berlalulah dari segalanya,

Dan lambaikan salam terakhir pada duniamu.

Bila seseorang akan mengakhiri segalanya,

Menghentikan detak jantungmu,

Dan darah yang mengalir adalah darah hinamu,

Aku..

Akulah seseorang itu.

Maafkan aku kakak,

Karena tak mampu mengerti impianmu.

(2007)

Forever in Me

The world of loneliness,

And incapability of finding the truth.

Bordered my heart,

And cornered me to the darkest.

I played my role,

With whole expectation and prayers.

Starting my journey,

And stand at the beginning.

She taught me the whole thing,

She taught me how to forgive,

She taught me how to love,

She taught me how to behave.

She held me far into her heart,

She put love inside my eye.

She gave me the first hug I ever had;

Something that they call love.

And here I am,

Best as she believes I would be.

Better than before,

Best of all I’ve ever been.

And so she whispered to me,

When you believe that the path you are walking,

Seems restless and wounding,

The world looks down on you,

And people shut their sights of you,

Just remember that,

I will look you higher than anyone,

Hold your hand along the path,

And bear the wounds you suffer.

I will bring the warmth,

To melt the wintriness in your heart.

And when you feel the presence of an angel,

Let it be me,

My beloved best friend,

And thank God you’re forever in me.

(July 29th 2006)

She Loves Me

I heed the sound of the train

Pursuing my mind

Some memories flash…

She robbed everything,

Everything I had fought for.

She tortured of my satisfaction.

I never expect anything from her,

I never desire.

She never loves me,

I know it much better than her.

How destiny could be so pitiless,

Saddle me with merciless heart.

I will never forgive her,

For what she had done to me.

I wish I am able to let her know,

I never adore her,

Just so is she to me.

She means nothing for me.

And now she is,

Sitting in front of me.

I can smell her scent,

A presence that I hate.

In moment of time,

I thawed myself in my dream…

And why do I smell,

The fervent scent of her,

I sense her beside me.

She rests my head on her shoulder.

She kisses my hair,

And one tiny tear drenches my cheek,

Like the drizzle pours the earth.

She takes off her single coat ever,

Covers me gently, 

Before the freezing air kills me.

The tenderness has melted my heart,

As my tear replies hers.

She toughen her hug,

When she wishes to enlighten me,

“I am here.”

I love her. I do love her.

And now for many years,

Finally I could understand…

My sister loves me. 

(July 15th, 2007)

Akhir Sebuah Perjuangan

Di untaian doaku kulontar namamu,

Di bayang anganku kusambut hadirmu.

Di derai tawa dan air mata,

Hanya kau harapanku.

Getar ragu ini,

Tak pernah lenyap dilekang waktu.

Mengguncangkan batinku.

Menyusuri tapak nuraniku.

Apakah engkau nyata untukku?

Tak ada yang mampu kuperbuat,

Pahitnya tatapan mata tak terelakkan.

Jauhnya bayanganmu tak lagi terbayang.

Sungguh, engkau bukan takdirku.

Aku tak kuasa mendesakmu,

Untuk menyayangiku lebih lama lagi.

Bila kasih itu tak teruntai kepadaku.

Aku tak kuasa membendung air mata lagi.

Kini,

Aku memilih untuk menyerah.

Melepaskanmu, melupakan kehadiranmu.

Bila hatiku tak sanggup,

Mungkin sudah semestinyalah,

Nyawaku yang melakukannya.

(2008)

Ketika Waktu Mengejar Waktu

Ketika waktu mengejar waktu,

Menjajaki tapak kesalahan,

Menelusuri jejak kemurkaan,

Mengumbar kenangan hitam,

Menikam segala rasa,

Menguak segala pedih,

Yang tertimbun dalam selengkung senyuman,

Dia…

Mengenggam buih harapan yang ingin mengangkasa,

Hingga meletup satu persatu tak bersisa.

Aku dihentikannya.

Menuntut tanggung jawab masa kelam,

Memaku pikiran yang meronta-ronta…

Mengapa?

Sekarang biarkan aku mengawalinya

Dengan sesuatu yang suci

Yang lalu biarlah berlalu.

Jangan gali tanah dosaku,

Jangan tangisi noda diriku,

Jangan ingat lubang lumpurku.

Kuharap aku segera bebas,

Dari apa yang telah menimpaku.

Biarkan cinta menyelimutiku,

Dan kegelapan itu terhisap selamanya,

Dalam dunia di bawah tanah.

Dan jika nanti waktu kembali mengejar waktu,

Semoga ia menemukanku,

Sebagai manusia tanpa cela,

Yang hidup dalam dunia yang takkan pernah didengar orang…

(2006)

Pikirku

Kala aku berpikir,

Terang tak selamanya terang,

Dan kala aku berpikir,

Gelap tak selamanya gelap.

Disaat terang,

Kau hanya dapat duduk terpaku,

Dimana berjuta mata

Tertancap pada dua pasang mata yang layu,

Menembus dunia

Memaksa senyum terus mengembang

Yang seraya memudar,

Dan hati retak menggumam.

Disaat gelap,

Kau dapat duduk 

Selayaknya kau dibiasakan duduk.

Tak perlu bersikap seperti dunia.

Bersikap biasa.

Menangis, tertawa, dan mengutuk

Berteriak dan merenung mimpi buruk.

Tak ada yang melihatmu.

Namun di kala pikirku aku harus memilih,

Diantara terang ataupun gelap,

Terang yang dicari,

Atau gelap yang dihindari.

Pikirku,

Bukankah gelap lebih menyenangkan?

Sendiri, tak ada perduli padamu,

Hidupmu, tangismu, sukamu

Hanya kesunyian bisu yang menemanimu.

Sementara terang menyilaukan pandanganmu,

Kau menangis di bawah tangisanmu

Dan gelap hanya mampu meratapi nasib malangmu.

Pada akhirnya kau akan menemukan,

Kegelapan tak selamanya takaman,

Dan terang tak selamanya aman.

Karena kau belum menemukan

Dengan mata hatimu yang terdalam,

Bagaimanakah sesungguhnya rupa mereka.

(2005)

One Survivor

Though I had the pain,

And all emotions had spoiled,

I still hunt crazily,

My true eternity.

There won’t be any regret.

I’m going to imprison,

My dream and my self,

That is untouchable by anyone.

There will be a struggle,

For leaving behind;

All exasperating possessions.

They just never know,

I’m not that fragile.

I have to be tough.

Tougher than yesterday.

I have to leave,

All my used-to-bes,

To survive from coarseness.

I have to believe,

I can be someone I want.

With my own self, 

I will break the box.

With my own self,

I will sew my wings.

With my own self,

I will stand up when I fall,

I am able to handle it all,

Alone.

Take away your compassions,

It gives me nothing.

There’s a thing,

That you haven’t discovered;

Awaiting I prove it to you,

That I am forever,

A survivor.

(2006)

The Shattered One

I gaze the empty glass

Noiselessly and silently

With nothing outside my world

Just the echo of the scream.

The clock tick tacks.

Tick... Tack... Tick... Tack...

I am sobbing.

Tick... Tack... Tick... Tack...

I am gasping.

I wish I could blink,

I wish I could touch,

I wish I could hold,

I wish the time rewinds.

The memory shadows,

Penetrates my core,

Stabs my mind,

Pull out my life.

I knew when,

I recognized where,

I wondered how,

I identified who,

But I didn’t know why.

If I could just speak,

And revealed the truth,

Then I would escape,

With no burden on my shoulder.

If I could release a word,

Then the truth would be there,

As my light disappear,

I am free to leave.

But it is just wishes.

Even if I shed gallons of tears,

It won’t mend anything,

Everything is true as it seems.

If there is God,

Let me point the trigger,

That had grabbed my life,

That robbed my belongings,

That left sorrow all over my love.

If I could be noticed with eyes,

Or be seen in a vague sight,

Then I would state everything,

Everyone who harmed me.

If I could be seen and if I could speak

Then the evidence would be told, 

If I didn’t have to be a ghost.

(2006)

Reminiscence

It takes years for me to understand,

That it is you I always note from afar,

That I love you in every single moment I am to pass.

I carve your presence in my reverie every night,

For I always wish the time you’re here could standstill.

My heart pounds when I catch your name on the phone,

And it stops when you turn down the conversation.

If I could freeze times when you’re always remember me,

I will ask no more.

But I have no excuses to freeze it,

When I capture that time flows as it never waits.

Even if denial is all I need, I painfully confess you notice another girl.

I am struggling to make in no doubt that I’m not that hurt.

And it kills me that I couldn’t stand any longer.

Is it only me who’s getting hurt?

It’s freaking me that I’m not that significant for you,

And I do nothing to overlook you, because it costs nothing.

How could I look further?

If you never welcome how much I have to bear?

I’m in no way for a thank you message for all that I’ve given,

In fact, I don’t know what I would like to hear from you.

After all, I believe I could have a chance,

I have faith that there’s still one small spot left for me,

But you’ve told me that it’s not mine.

I am trapped in no where and I can’t move.

Even if it has been a while to battle all the truth

That now I am broken hearted,

I couldn’t refuse myself,

That you’re the first man; I had shed my tears for.

Will it be an unforgettable reminiscence?

(March 23th, 2007)

Tangisan Seorang Ibu

Malam itu kudengar sayup-sayup,

Degup jantung pun segera menyusup.

Kubuka pintu dan lekas kututup,

Mama sedang menangis di bawah lampu yang redup.

Kudekati mama perlahan demi perlahan,

Tangisnya, sendu, sayu, dan memilukan

Kusentuh jemarinya dan memeluknya.

Jangan menangis mama, janganlah menangis.

Kini aku teringat,

Setelah dengung tangis menggema sekian tahun,

Sedu sedan dan air matanya, 

Membekukan darahku.

Ia menangis, sama seperti aku yang menangis

Karena tak dibelikan mainan.

Dari isaknya aku tahu betapa remuk hatinya,

Betapa pedih luka yang ia derita.

Mama…

Lihat aku dan dengarkan aku.

Tahukah kau, untuk mengembalikan seulas senyummu,

Aku akan berbuat apapun, aku akan membayarnya.

Betapa berharganya kau di mataku.

Aku akan memelukmu lebih erat,

Bersandar di bahumu,

Mengenggam telapak tanganmu yang hangat,

Memandang matamu hingga kita terpisahkan.

Aku tak tahu betapa sulitnya mengandungku,

Namun aku mau mengandung segala rasa sedihmu.

Kau selamanya tetap mamaku, malaikat pelindungku.

Mama, sehancur apapun perasaanku padamu

Sebeku apapun perasaanku padamu,

Dari lubuk hati yang terdalam, dengan tulus kukatakan,

Aku mencintaimu mama.

(2006)

Kupanggilnya Ayah

Tahun tahun lalu,

Kami bersenda gurau,

Tak pernah berasa galau,

Jika semua segera berlalu.

Sosok tegar,

Di dunia yang bingar,

Berjuang,

Demi aku yang terbuang.

Kupanggilnya ayah. 

Jiwa yang berjerih payah,

Peluh-peluh keringat,

Kan selalu teringat.

Luka pengkhianatan,

Duka perpisahan,

Wanita itu menyisakan debu,

Dia yang kusebut ibu.

Memang sulit dipercaya,

Dimana beribu-ribu orang,

Memandang sosok ibu, 

Dengan penuh cahaya.

Ia pikir semua beres,

Padahal karenanya hatiku tergores.

Dan kini hati ayah akan tertutup,

Selama bibirnya terkatup.

Namun ia melindungiku.

Memberikan rasa aman dan menjagaku.

Menopangku ketika aku tak mampu berdiri.

Apa yang ia dapat, aku selalu diberi.

Puluhan tahun perjuangan cinta hidupnya,

Berakhir dengan redupnya,

Sisa waktunya ia buat,

Dengan menjadikanku orang yang kuat.

Dan kini lihatlah,

Walaupun ibu membunuh batinnya,

Wajahnyalah yang dibayang di matanya,

Dan ikut bersamanya ke alam sana...

Ayahku,

Tertawalah dalam kekekalan harimu.

(May 19th 2007)

Akulah

Ketika jam berhenti berdetak,

Akulah...

Akulah yang akan membuatnya berdetak untukmu.

Ketika air berhenti mengalir,

Akulah...

Akulah yang akan mengalirkannya untukmu.

Ketika seluruh dunia berhenti menatapmu,

Akulah...

Akulah yang akan menatapmu.

Ketika dunia tak lagi berputar sebagaimana mestinya,

Akulah...

Akulah yang akan memutarkannya untukmu.

Sahabat,

Kita bukanlah anak kecil,

Yang berebut cokelat,

Namun kitapun bukan orang dewasa,

Yang berebut kekayaan,

Kita adalah kita.

Kita ialah kita sebagaimana mestinya

Tak perlu berubah karena waktulah yang akan melakukannya,

Masa kita akan segera tiba.

Kita hanya perlu rasa dicintai dan dihargai,

Kejujuran, ketulusan, dan kesucian

Dan ketika kau tak mendapatkannya,

Akulah...

Hanya akulah yang akan memberikannya kepadamu,

Karena akulah sahabatmu.

(2006)

We are a Family

A hand touches my shoulder,

A greet comes from his lips,

Just to find out, how do I do?

A hand hugs me from my back,

A smile carves from her heart,

Just to make sure if I am okay.

A hand calms down my shaking arms,

A sight has said everything I need,

Just to believe me that everything is fine.

A hand holds my fingers,

A laugh cracks from her mouth,

Just to invite me to join the laughter.

Now I know,

That friendship is all about

To complete the incomplete,

To perfect the imperfect,

To color the differences.

We face it together.

We started the friendship,

And no one will ever end it.

I was afraid,

That I couldn’t fit in their hearts,

That they couldn’t accept me,

As whom I am wanted to be.

Though I had tracks of fear,

And disappointments,

But the dear moments and the love,

Are beyond my imagination.

If life parts us,

As farewell is lying in front of us,

Will you promise?

That we will always be a family?

And if one day,

I have to tell,

What a best friend means to me,

I will just write down our names.

(2007)

Farewell to Elizabeth

It takes too hard for me; 

Just to make sure, 

That I have someone, 

Whom I could call a friend.

I thought friendship is just a story, 

A scene that passed easily in my life; 

Not something that I need to remember.

But why I believe like its true, 

When I met you year ago.

Thing that never come to pass me, 

Yet it really happens.

Elizabeth, 

You’re a friend, you’re a sister.

You're the great one.

And I can't understand why

Your name crosses in my mind, 

Every time I need someone to lean on.

I know there will be farewell

But why it comes so hurt, 

When I catch that time runs faster, 

Closer and all I want it to deny it.

You are no here in my sweet 17th's,

And seeing me baptized in Thy name.

Moments and times I wish you are there, 

And indeed you're not, 

That’s what farewell means to me.

Elizabeth, 

These tears are my tears.

That I shed for your life.

The bright future in front of you, 

It’s all yours.

Elizabeth, 

My prayer walks with you, 

My hopes live with you, 

My heart will always be right here.

This is a confession, 

Deep from my heart, 

That you are my friend forever.

One day…

Let the fate meet us back, 

Like it had made us met year ago.

And you won't see my love for you has changed.

Elizabeth, I love you.

(January 2007)

Here We Are

In my country,

We are forever free,

Yet we're getting older,

Each year values as a pearl.

Faced with races,

Lived as racists,

Prayed for mercies,

Before breaking into pieces.

Years by years

Are carved in page by page,

Weren't reached by misery even fear,

But heroism and courage.

And now,

We are the dream of the nation,

Tied in a vow,

That we are the true generation.

As we have claimed to the world,

Races are gathered in a circle,

That never can be divided,

Into the tiniest piece,

This country will always be bonded

To a forever peace.

May we live in bloom,

Of peace and gaiety,

And freed from gloom,

Of cresses and sorrow.

Dear Lord, here we are.

(2007)